I am Birdie Quinn. This is my blog, “It’s all relevant.”
There is a lot of meaning behind this name and title that I’m not sure others will understand. However, this blog idea was thought of on the premise of learning to not need that understanding from anyone anymore. It is as much an avenue for a personal journey to embrace myself in all my flaws, as it is to try something new. I will no longer hide in the shadows of my worries about how my true self will affect others. I am who I am. I’m learning to embrace that. I can no longer live a life in which how I choose to express myself is dependent on how I perceive others will feel or react. I’m choosing to
remove my facade of whoever it is I’ve allowed myself to be for the sake of some imaginary reputation I think others want me to uphold. There’s this person inside, who always feels judged, secretly ridiculed, squelched and forced into some sort of shell of what society wants and expects me to be. A shell, or mask, that we are all forced to wear. One that is imposed onto us by society, and even by our most loved ones. We are all living a life projected onto us. We are all in hiding.
Birdie was a name given to me by an aunt, that stuck when I was little. She’s long ago passed, but the name is still something I still hold identity to. This nickname somehow made me feel special in the eyes of the woman who gave me it. It made me feel tiny and precious like a little bird. Cherished. Adored. Loved. Those feelings do not come easily to me, so it is a name I will secretly hold close forever and give power to. It signifies a tiny little flicker of something I held onto for half my life, before realizing that I had the power to grow that flicker into a flame, and then into a fire. Everyone contains
this light within themselves. Sometimes we just need help being able to find it, see it, and give ourselves permission to grow it.
The name Quinn comes from something much deeper. Quite the opposite of love. It is my birthright last name. A name I associate with pain and confusion. The name my mother chose not to give me, rightfully so, because my birthfather chose to not claim me. The name I have thought about my entire life. The name that has sparked more curiosity than any other word. The word I’ve searched for meaning in for as long as I can remember, only to come up empty-handed. The name that allowed me to search for and find my brother. The name I was happy to not have, but somehow fills in a missing puzzle piece. The name, I realized, I placed too much value and identity on, because of societal norms.
My husband asked me one day why on earth I'd want to make my pen name after a person who didn’t deserve that. At the time, I was unable to answer. A lot of self-reflection has allowed me to come up with the perfect response to this; I am a Quinn. Not just by blood, but by heart. Not by duty, but by necessity for my self-worth. The man who gave me life may have never wanted anything to do with me, but in that very long, very hard journey, I have learned that my self-worth does not come from validation from others, including a parent. It is something that I have had to find. It is a gift I’ve had to give myself. And by standing up and into this name, I am defeating all the messages I’d told myself my whole life: “Unworthy of love, belonging, and
consideration.” I am giving myself the ability to take what I want in life, no matter the obstacles. I am giving myself the ability to stand in my own worth and show myself that though he may have not wanted me to be a Quinn, and though I didn’t get what only he could’ve given me, I don’t need him to be anything. I am worthy. Of it all. Of anything I desire. Even basic human emotional needs. It’s up to me to create the life and the belonging that I need. By taking this name to produce a dream of mine, I am standing in strength. I am standing in my own light. I am doing what he was not capable of. I am
loving myself.
To the two very precious men in my life who stepped up to take his place; Nothing you have ever done, or not done, will ever be shadowed. I need you to see and know that this name is not wishing I had something different, but washing myself of the need for this name. There are no words to explain the respect, love, and admiration I have for you. Without you, I would be in a much different place. Because of you, I have learned the good in humans. That people will make amazing sacrifices for those they love. That love does come easily. That Everyone is deserving of love. You are the reasons I am able to stand in my own light.
This blog title, “It’s all Relevant,” comes from a long-standing desire to fit in. To feel like the thoughts I have, the feelings I have, and how my experiences affect me, are normal. To feel like I can be myself and that’s good enough. I want to remove the constraints I’ve placed on myself in order to fit into some imaginary box. So much time is wasted in human relationships trying to put on a facade of something we’re not. Trying to look a certain way because it feels safe. Doing our best to avoid feelings of inadequacy, rejection, loneliness, and the crippling anxiety that comes with that.
What if I told you that all feelings, thoughts, reactions, moods, and emotions are normal? That all of it deserves recognition and validation. That you, in all your weirdness and insecurities and shame, are perfectly normal. That everyone shares similar concerns about themselves and needs to hear that validation. That you are not walking this world as alone as you feel most days. That human nature is to preserve reputations, and that makes people seem and act different, but we are all really the same inside?
What if I told you that there was a place you could go to, to receive that validation? To anonymously submit your worry, fear, and self-doubt, only to see that you are not alone in this world. That the feelings you feel are ok, and justified and hold merit and value to others? That your internal struggles may help someone and could even prevent someone from self-harm? What if you had this safe place to get real, and raw and expose your deepest and darkest fears and worries that make you so incredibly lonely, only to find out others share the same with you? What if you could find new amazing
connections through sharing similar experiences and feelings.
I will be submitting regular blog posts here as writing always helps me through my journey of self-development and self-realization. A little background of myself is: I am a wife of 25 years. I am a mother of five incredible children who I desire to leave a lasting impact with, who I’m SO proud of, who I worry about incessantly, and who I feel like I’ve failed. I am a nurse of 16 years with extreme passion for my career and the wrongs of the healthcare industry. I have PTSD from being a nurse through covid. I love to read, write, hike, and workout. I devour self-development books. I have struggled with addiction. I am a nutrition fanatic who enjoys researching boring articles in my free time. I have experienced grief on a scale that terrifies me of losing someone even closer to me. I am a lover of all things natural. I am a promoter of self-love. I am an includer of the excluded. I have struggled with mental health my entire life. I am the queen of negative self-talk and hate. I am also the queen of optimism. I see only the good in people, as limiting as that is sometimes. I have always struggled with giving myself the same grace I give others.
I have a lot to say about a lot. I have truths. Hard truths. Truths that I need to speak about. I need an avenue to discuss these things, outside of environments where I feel unsafe to do so. This will be my place of safety just as it can be yours. I want this to be a place where I can have the one basic human need I’ve never felt like I can attain; freedom to express myself no matter what, sans the feelings of others, which always prevent me from just being myself. I want this to be a place where I can feel an emotional connection to others; a REAL emotional connection. Not just that facade. Not that reputational roadblock that prevents human connection. My hope is that you come here to feel that same connection, and this blog sheds some hope and light into this dark cold world. I aim to make a positive difference in the world. Leave my mark somehow. Even If can just do that for one person, I’ve made the difference I came here to make. Human emotional suffering is necessary for growth but so unnecessary to go through alone.
Bear with me and my learning process on how to do this, but please, if this speaks to you, email me at [email protected] with any topic of concern to you. ANY. TOPIC. It is all deserving of time, energy and consideration and it all deserves to be talked about and validated. You are worthy to stand in your own light. Your thoughts are valuable. Your truth deserves to be told. You deserve to rid yourself of all that ails you. You are worthy to have people support you and give you the validation you may not be getting from those in your life currently. You are capable of achieving what you think is unachievable. You are capable of growth and resilience. You are beautiful and perfect in your own imperfect, quirky way. You are not alone. You are RELEVANT.
It is ALL RELEVANT.